Toxic Friendships

A toxic friendship is a common term for a friendship in which unhealthy patterns are persistent rather than occasional.

This might involve one person repeatedly putting the other down, controlling who they spend time with, making them feel guilty for having other friendships, ignoring reasonable boundaries or expecting support without offering much in return.

For example, a friend might regularly cancel plans at the last minute but become angry when you cannot immediately accommodate them. They might make jokes at your expense in front of others and dismiss your concerns when you explain that you are hurt.

Friendships can also become unhealthy without either person deliberately trying to cause harm. Poor communication, unresolved resentment, changing circumstances or different expectations can create patterns that leave both people frustrated. This is why it can be more helpful to look at the overall pattern of the friendship than to focus only on whether one incident was right or wrong.

You might ask yourself:

A friendship does not need to be perfect to be healthy. Mutual respect and the ability to repair problems are often more important than never disagreeing.

Another sign can be how you behave around the person. You might carefully choose your words, avoid certain subjects, constantly try to prevent an argument or feel responsible for keeping the friendship calm.

A friendship can also become unhealthy when there is a persistent imbalance. One person may consistently provide emotional support, practical help or companionship while receiving little consideration in return.

Relationships influence our everyday experiences. A friendship involving regular conflict, criticism or uncertainty can become a source of ongoing stress.

You might start questioning yourself after conversations with a difficult friend. If someone repeatedly says that you are selfish, oversensitive or unreliable, you may begin to doubt your judgement even when the criticism is unfair.

Friendship problems can affect other areas of life. You may become distracted by arguments, worry about receiving messages or feel anxious about social situations where the friend will be present. Over time, you may stop expressing your opinions, avoid introducing the friend to other people or change your behaviour to avoid upsetting them.

Feeling upset, disappointed or stressed by relationship problems can be a normal response to a difficult situation. However, if a friendship is contributing to persistent anxiety, low mood, isolation or significant distress, speaking with a qualified professional may be helpful.

Boundaries can help you protect your wellbeing and make the friendship clearer. They are about communicating what you will accept and how you will respond, rather than trying to control the other person.

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There is no universal answer. It can help to consider whether both people are willing and able to create a healthier friendship, or whether the same harmful patterns continue despite your efforts.

Ending a friendship does not always require a dramatic confrontation. Depending on the circumstances, you might have a direct conversation, gradually reduce contact or communicate your decision clearly and then maintain your boundary.

If you share a workplace, school, social group or community, stepping away may mean establishing a more limited and practical relationship rather than having no contact at all.

Safety is particularly important. If a friend threatens, intimidates, stalks or harasses you, prioritise your safety and seek appropriate support. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000.

Losing a friendship can be painful, even when you were the person who decided to end it. You may experience sadness, anger, relief, guilt or uncertainty. You may miss the good parts of the relationship while still knowing that continuing it was not right for you.

It can help to allow yourself time to adjust rather than expecting to feel completely comfortable with your decision straight away. Stay connected with people who make you feel respected and supported. Maintaining ordinary routines, social activities and interests may also help prevent the loss of one friendship from becoming social isolation.

You might reflect on what you learned from the relationship. This does not mean blaming yourself. Instead, consider what boundaries you want to establish in future friendships and what qualities you value in the people you allow into your life.

If the friendship ended after a significant conflict, you may never receive the apology, explanation or closure you hoped for. Sometimes moving forward involves accepting that you may not get every answer.

Counselling can provide a neutral place to explore a friendship that has become confusing, painful or difficult to manage.

A counsellor can help you look at patterns within the relationship and consider questions such as:

Counselling may also help if a difficult friendship has affected your confidence or brought up patterns that appear in other relationships. For example, someone who regularly puts other people’s needs ahead of their own may find it difficult to say no. Exploring this pattern can help them understand why boundaries feel uncomfortable and practise more assertive ways of communicating.

Counselling does not require you to end a friendship. Its purpose is not to tell you what decision to make, but to help you understand your situation and consider your options.